American Idol Season 9 Los Angeles

The opening shots showed Ryan doing the intro in his radio studio looking smart in a shirt and tie, instead of the teeshirts and cute sweaters we usually see him wearing on shots from the radio show. Ryan bigged up LA as the epicentre of entertainment, home to almost every star under the sun and the show itself … as well as 11,000 hopefuls who’d turned up to the first round audition.

Simon decided to share one of his favourite fantasies with the world under the guise of rewriting Ryan’s script: “Simon is extraordinarily good looking in real life. He lights up the audition room and I think I’m falling in love with him.” We won’t judge Simon. After all, who wouldn’t want Ryan to fall in love with them!

The first guest judge in Los Angeles was Avril Lavigne, and she arrived looking adorable in a horny hoodie from her own collection and commented on how intimidating it was for the contestants.

Neil Goldstein

Neil started singing “remember everything that I told you” then promptly forgot the rest of his words. Simon loved the irony and grinned through Neil’s misfortune. Despite getting a reality check from Simon, Neil insisted he was going to Hollywood. Outside, Neil’s parents told Ryan that he does well under pressure while inside Neil was sweating profusely and clinging desperately to his hopes before finally being invited by Simon to choose whether he wanted to leave on his own or with an escort. On his way out, Neil told Simon not to hit anyone else with the door, while Ryan said it wasn’t Neil’s time to shine…

Jim Ranger

Ryan told us that the sun was shining in LA but there were no golden tickets, before introducing the next contestant who hoped to turn things around … with his own song. Ryan pointed out to Jim’s family that it’s hard to impress the judges with an original song. Simon liked him, Avril said no and Kara didn’t seem sure. Outside Ryan commented on how quiet the kids were … and they didn’t appear to move after Jim ran out of the room waving his ticket to Hollywood.

Ryan busted Simon for getting friendly with the guest judge … Simon likes a little devil and Avril was literally wearing horns. The scriptwriters were apparently unwilling to miss the chance to play with that theme as Ryan told us on the voiceover that Avril was an omen because for the next hour the talent went straight to ‘you know where’, as we watched hellish auditions from Jayson Wilson, Jesse Chang and Martin Perez.

Damian Lefavor

Sandwich maker Damian appeared a sandwich or two short of a picnic in his audition and seemed to give himself strange whistling time-outs. Simon apparently thought so too as he told him “you should just go” after Damian choked on his pepperoni sandwich song.

Back in Ryan’s domain, we saw a montage of small but vocal visitors to the holding area. One kid told Ryan she’ll be on the show when she’s 16; Ryan told her he’ll be really old when she’s 16! This is true. He’ll still be hot though.

Mary Powers

Mary’s 8-year old daughter loves Simon because “he’s the only negativity one”, which seemed to amuse Ryan. Mary is a decent singer but it felt as though she was trying too hard. The judges put her through and Avril particularly liked her punk rock tone. Ryan asked Mary’s daughter if she wanted to meet Simon and took her into the room. The little girl gazed adoringly at Simon as Ryan told Simon she liked him because he’s mean. Simon was pretty cute with the kid (he seems to like other people’s kids) and she looked stoked as she skipped back out of the room.

Ryan introduced a montage of Adam Lambert wannabes influenced singers, though I think inflicting the idea of an Adam Lambert/Susan Boyle lovechild was a step too far. While Adam fans were trying to erase that disturbing image from their minds, Ryan introduced a contestant who said he’d received positive comments on his demo from Adam.

AJ Mendoza

AJ didn’t sing well in his audition. Simon compared it to the result of a visit to the dentist and too much anaesthetic and Kara said that AJ didn’t open his mouth. AJ told everyone outside the room that “they hated it” and Ryan wanted to know if he was surprised by that.

On day two the guest judge was Katy Perry, who set the tone for her input saying it was ridiculous that the judges were arriving by helicopter. Ryan agreed, but we all know that’s because Simon got his way with The A-Team theme music when Ryan had voted for the CHiPs theme so he could borrow Erik Estrada’s uniform again and make siren noises as the judges were escorted in by road. The helicopter was soon forgotten as Ryan dangled golden tickets in front of the judges. Very nice. We don’t see nearly enough of him from that angle.

Austin Fullmer

Austin looked like he’d raided Gary Numan’s wardrobe and had obviously been watching videos of Mick Jagger, but he was pretty tuneless. Simon asked if he couldn’t just be happy at the day job … Austin said singing is his purpose in life, but Simon assured him it wasn’t. Austin’s friend thought Katy might call him. Ryan said “she has your number, stay close to the phone”. Katy has his number, that’s for sure.

Austin was followed by another bunch of rejects and one crying girl was comforted by Ryan, which surely had to be better than getting a ticket to Hollywood.

Andrew Garcia

Simon thought Andrew was a genuinely genuinely good good singer. Kara really really liked him. Randy thought he had mad vocals and he gave Katy Perry chills. Ticket to Hollywood.

Ryan told us it was no 4pm in SoCal and the ladies hadn’t had any luck. Cue lucky lady here to “redeem LA”.

Tasha Layton

She has a nice voice and she’s pretty too. Good combination! Simon said people may like her but predicted an “oh happy day” medley if she makes the top 12. All four said yes and Tasha followed her golden ticket out of the door, greeted her family, then turned and exclaimed “Ryan!” and gave him a hug.

Jason Greene

Creepy Jason believes in magic but he didn’t manage to bewitch the judges with his singing … or his moves, which appeared to be making Simon a little uncomfortable — Randy told Jason to stop hitting on his friend! All judges said no and Katy told him she felt dirty … as Jason flounced out, Simon told him Ryan would be waiting. He looked at Ryan as if he were a particularly tasty candy then gave him a card with his number and invited Ryan to call him any time. Ryan was having even less of it than Simon, telling Jason that he may believe what he reads but he should be giving his number to a huge guy [we know from Ryan’s tweet this is his security guy Aaron] who then came into shot nodding in agreement with a slightly menacing look towards Jason. Genius.

A gleeful Ryan then pointed out that Kara and Katy had been catty with each other all day as we watched a mini bitch fest. It wasn’t that bitchy really; I’m certain Ryan and Simon could go at it far better given enough screen time … which is one of the reasons why Ryan should be one of the judges on Simon’s X Factor USA!

Chris Golightly

Ryan seemed moved by Chris’ back story and he was Kara’s favourite as she thought they might look back on the audition and go ‘wow’ because of the combination of his voice and story. To Simon’s amusement (and mine), Katy pointed out that it’s not a lifetime movie, which left Kara feeling that Simon and Katy were ganging up on her. They were. Chris got a ticket to Hollywood and Ryan told him he should be really proud.

There was another montage of successful contestants, with Ryan leading the cheerleading, ahead of a fab shot of Ryan pointing to camera saying “That’s LA!” with a full on Hollywood smile.

My favourite contestants from Los Angeles were Tasha Layton and Andrew Garcia, but I think Mary Powers would be good too if she toned it down a little.