American Idol Season 9 Hollywood Week Round 3

At the end of this week’s shows, the final 24 will be revealed and the show opened with Ryan piling on the drama and talking about the journey the contestants have travelled to make it this far. The show started as the day finished, with Ryan telling us there was nothing more the remaining contestants could do, but as he couldn’t deliver the ending in the first five minutes of a two-hour show, he rewound to the beginning of the day so we could listen to him tell the story of how 71 became 24.

One thing we knew right from the start is it’s all very, very tense. Even without Ryan talking in his most sincere tone, the background music would have told us all we need to know: we were in for an extremely long wait before anything actually happened. But that’s fine! Ryan can toy with my emotions any time he likes … I kinda like it when he’s being a tease.

So Voiceover!Ryan, sounding very handsome (luckily we know what he looks like, as he seems to have been hidden in a closet somewhere with just a microphone for company), told us the contestants had spent the morning getting ready and made their final performance in the afternoon, this time with no feedback from the judges, leaving them second-guessing themselves for a while. Leave them long enough, and even the shoo-ins will have decided they blew it and start planning their journey home. The producers are deliciously cruel, but as Freddie Mercury once sang, pain is so close to pleasure. In this case, the contestants’ pain is our pleasure, and the longer they’re kept dangling, the greater the chance of an outrageous reaction or two when they finally face the judges.

As the judges went off to deliberate, we were treated to a glimpse of Ryan looking as good as he sounded in a dark shirt and jacket, and showing off his fabulous hair. Hair that good should be seen, not just heard, but sadly the scene cut too quickly to judges playing a game of Guess Who? instead. Once the judges had finished their game (best of three), the mind games began in earnest as each contestant was sent into one of three rooms. The price of Ryan’s fabulous hair became clear at this point as the entire budget for the show had apparently been spent on getting it just right, which meant no money was left for chairs. It’s great to know that the American Idol producers have their priorities in order as it was money well spent.

Ryan used his best poker voice as we were treated to performances from some contestants, and subjected to performances from others, as he tried to throw us off the scent of which roomful of hopefuls was staying, which room was going, and which was … doing whatever it is the third room does. This section of the show had far too many audition clips and talking heads … since when was this show about the contestants rather than Ryan and the judges? Finally we got another look at Ryan, this time talking to Mary Powers who told him her song was cake. Ryan looked vaguely interested at the prospect of cake, but was to be disappointed as it was just a hot air cake rather than the sort he could lick the icing off the top of and torture himself about later.

Ryan reintroduced more contestants while I continued to think about him licking the icing off a cupcake (watching Ryan do that could be top of my list of things to do before I die… why didn’t I think of that while he was talking to the cast of The Buried Life on his radio show today!) Finally, Ryan popped up on screen again, nudging me out of my sweet daydream, to say that the judges were on their way and “brutal cuts” were coming up after the break. He’s such a little crowd pleaser! Ryan’s on screen hand mannerisms proved to be my next distraction; I’m always particularly fascinated by the way he holds his finger, presumably when he has nothing for his hands to do and wants to stop them having ideas of their own.

It was time for the judges to put some of the contestants out of their misery and keep other contestants’ hopes alive a little longer. Ellen told room one they were through, Simon told room two they were headed home, and KaRandy told room three they were still in play. Mary Powers didn’t make it. Let that be a warning to other contestants who think they can tease Ryan with imaginary cake. Meanwhile, Ryan had been working on his arithmetic so he was able to confirm that 46 contestants now remained and the judges would have to watch all their auditions again to decide which 24 get to perform for America’s vote.

A new day dawned and Ryan told us it’s the final cut, it’s the final judgement … who else wanted him to sing ‘it’s the final countdown’? Ryan was wearing a white shirt, which is disappointing because he looks so hot in dark colours, but his hair had reached epic proportions and he was still doing that thing with his hands, so it was all good. Ryan explained how the day was going to work … the contestants were in a waiting room and one by one they’d take a long walk up to the stage to find out their fate from the judges.

Mostly the top 24 reveal was the judges toying with contestants, but there were a few fun moments. Michael Lynche was sent out of the room with instructions from Simon to give Ryan a squeeze and from Ellen to pick him up … he duly obliged, swinging Ryan into the air like a rag doll. How many times is this now that Ryan’s been manhandled! There needs to be a montage later in the season to show what Ryan has to put up with. Janell Wheeler came out of the theatre and told Ryan “if I were bikini girl, I’d kiss you right now!” Girl, don’t give him chance to escape! Catch him off-guard and blame it on the heat of the moment!

The 24 contestants through: Michael Lynche, Didi Benami, Casey James, Aaron Kelly, Todrick Hall, Katelyn Epperly, Janell Wheeler, Tyler Grady, Lacey Brown, Ashley Rodriguez, Alex Lambert, Joe Munoz, Crystal Bowersox, Katie Stevens, Lilly Scott, Paige Miles, Siobhan Magnus, Michelle Delamor, Jermaine Sellers, John Park, Haeley Vaughn, Andrew Garcia, Lee Dewyze, Tim Urban.

Next week there are three shows. The top 12 girls up first on Tuesday, and hopefully we’ll get to see a lot more of Ryan from now on.